I have lived my life carefully, mostly. I’m not too proud of that part. Nowadays, I’m making space for mistakes, some flaws, and hope to create a life that isn’t so meticulously planned.
I’ve always been a decent chap who did everything right or tried to. I avoided picking fights to stay safe. I didn’t leave home without dressing crisply. I did what others did to not seem socially awkward. Then, I was a young teenager, pretty much insecure and trying too hard to be perfect.
Now I’m dropping that burden.
In fact, I’ve been working on it for a long time.
I’m trying to be less perfect, less right. Giving up some expectations, being more real. That doesn’t mean I’m eager to do foolish things, not that. It’s just that I wish to be more real, that’s what it is I think. About being truthful to myself.
I don’t want to feel pity for that person in the mirror. I don’t want to be sad thinking about how I wasted life trying to fit in. And I want to step outside my head.
It’s like I made up some shackles and tied myself with those. I restricted myself in my own limits. I have rules for how to behave. I chose how to think. That gets tiring.
So here’s what I’m up to
Now I’m trying …
Trying to be courageous. To say the truth even if it offends people. To accept criticism wisely. To not let others define me. To go on creating regardless of whether anybody cares or not. To allow me to breathe. Above all, I’m trying to be on my own side and help myself.
Somehow, a huge part of life felt like I wasted it on others. I could’ve lived for myself. I wish I was less careful and just let life happen.
Then why didn’t I?
I don’t know that, either.
But there’s still time. And there are years ahead of me. Now is always the time to start. I hope to change how I do my chores, be less of a hypocrite, discover myself and live life a little less carefully.
I wasn’t born wise, and gaining clarity about life takes time. But I’m mature enough to mold and twist things when they need to change.
Would that work? Well, it’s hard to tell. My life is nothing but an experiment. Always.
Let’s see how it goes.